I’m sitting in my house watching a torrential downpour of rain outside that is flooding my backyard. Inside I’m facing a similar torrential outpouring of tears as I ponder what God has been trying to teach me in recent weeks. Three months into recovery from a severe depression during which I considered taking my own life, and two months into retirement, I am struggling to understand this new season of my life. I read the Word and the messages are consistent about my need to trust the Lord, rest in His Presence, be honest with Him about my concerns and needs. He continually reassures me of His love for me but at the same time reminds me of my inadequacy apart from Him.
For all of my 67 years I have been an active ‘do-er’, problem solver, performer in all aspects of my life. I’ve even spent most of my Christian life in that mode and it is strange to accept that, in doing so, I have failed to live as the Lord intended. He recently presented me with the concept of my two choices: “Trust God” or “Please God”.a Somehow in my head I can understand the difference as it was presented, but I’m having difficulty letting go of ‘active participation’ as a part of my spiritual growth. My mind races with thoughts about my past and questions about my future.
As I sit quietly and try to listen for His input vs. my arguments on the subject, I feel in need of some musical confirmation of His Presence. But I don’t have access to an audible music source right now. Lovingly He brings to my mind these words from a song which has become very meaningful to me during my recent journey. The words express my struggle to understand these new ideas and my fear that I might not be willing to follow where He leads. But they also express my faith that He is with me and that He has a plan for me.
There is a wrestling in my heart and my mind
A disturbance and a tension I cannot seem to drive
And if I’m honest, there’s quite a bit of fear
To sit here in this silence and really hear You
What will you ask of me?
Will I listen to your voice when you speak?
…I’m feeling so alone here
And I know that You’re faithful
But I can barely breathe
God help me
Sometimes things, they are black and white
But sometimes they are not and it leaves us torn inside
And in the middle we are left to wonder
Who we are, what You want and where we’re going
Oh such a mystery
I don’t always understand
But I believe…
I don’t know the future
It’s one day at a time
But I know I’ll be okay with Your Hand holding mine
So take all my resistance
Oh God I need Your grace
One step and then the other Show me the way…b
If I really mean that I want to trust Him, I must learn to be quiet before the Lord and to listen for His input on the subject. Meanwhile I pray that He will keep coming to me with ‘singing in the rain’ because musical messages continue to be effective in getting my attention. The song referenced above led me to Proverbs 3: 5,6:
Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct they paths.
– Linda G
a See You Tube video: John Lynch, Two Roads: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mOJ1wUcP804
b (God Help Me by Plumb)